the growing popularity of boatwatching, the
Boat Nerd Network now
offers "The Boatnerd's Guide" to help newcomers to the hobby learn the
many fascinating ways in which they can become expert boatnerds.
You'll no longer need to watch with envy as you beg other people for
"expert" advice about how to get aboard the boats to enjoy your hobby.
After reading the "The Boatnerd's Guide," YOU will be the expert in
your port. Other boatwatchers will simply shake their heads in wonder
every time you offer advice.
To help you understand the value of "The Boatnerd's Guide," we're
enclosing some sample chapters. We're sure you'll see how much expert
information is packed into this guidebook.
"The Boatnerd's Guide" can be yours for just three installments of
$19.95. Order now!
1: How to get a ride on a laker
1) Marry a sailor.
2) Marry someone related to a sailor.
3) Get elected
to Congress. Then contact one of the fleets and tell them that, as the
new assistant deputy co-chair for the House subcommittee on roadside
rest areas, you need an "orientation cruise."
stroll aboard a boat as it's about to leave port. If anyone asks what
you're doing, tell them you're Bob's relative and he offered you a
ride. Then make yourself scarce and sleep on deck each night so no one
sees you. If you are informed that nobody on the crew is named Bob,
quickly mumble something about getting lost on your way to the casino
boat and skedaddle down the ladder.
Chapter 2: How to behave aboard a laker
As a guest aboard a laker, you'll want to fit in quickly. To do so,
you need to talk like a sailor. As soon as you come on deck, greet any
crew members present with a phrase like: "Ahoy, mateys. As soon as I
stow my swab, I'll join you on the dog watch to splice the main
Throughout your visit, address others as "matey." Loudly refer to the
captain as "the old man." If his wife is aboard, proper etiquette
naturally dictates that you refer to her as "the old lady."
As you walk around deck, mutter "argh" every so often. If a crew
member explains something to you, nod your head and growl "aye" every
few seconds. When you say something funny or make a statement, look
around at other crew members and shout, "Ain't that right, boys?"
Sailors appreciate visitors who are knowledgeable about boats, so be
sure to display your knowledge by frequently reciting the dimensions
of their boat and the history of their fleet. Don't hesitate to
correct any crew member who doesn't know as much as you.
You'll also need to dress the part, so wear appropriate clothing, such
as a cap loaded with admiral's braid on the bill. A safari jacket and
high-heeled cowboy boots will be a big help as you negotiate ladders
and steel decks.
Chapter 3: Enjoying Shipboard Meals
When eating, take plenty and ask for more, even if you can't finish
your meal. A cook can receive no higher compliment than getting a
plate full of picked-over food returned to the galley.
During your time on the boat, be sure to visit the steward at work
during mealtime to compliment him or her on their cooking. Feel free
to offer advice about food preparation, especially if your Aunt Minnie
had a favorite recipe for hog brains or if you've seen a particularly
tasty meal of tripe prepared on "Emeril Live." If the cook is busy,
you can lend a hand by seasoning any dishes that might be simmering on
the stove. Be sure to yell "Bam!" and "Feel the love!" as the steward
is dishing up meals or as crew members go through the line in the
Before retiring for the evening, check the refrigerator for "night
snacks" left for the overnight watches. Take everything back to your
room -- you won't want to let all that food go to waste each night!
Chapter 4: Photo Tips
Many boatnerds enjoy photographing boats. The secret here is to look
like a professional "photographer."
To start, burn through plenty of film. That's the sign of a pro! You
haven't properly documented a boat until you have photographed
literally every square inch of the vessel.
You'll also want to get the biggest camera bag available and stuff it
full of gear. You can buy outdated lenses and camera bodies at most
photo shops. You won't be able to use this gear, but it will look very
professional when it's stuffed in your camera bag.
Of course, to make your photos different from those of everyone else,
you need to pick better locations from which to shoot. The best way to
do this is to make your way onto private property to get unusual
angles. Don't worry about those No Trespassing signs — those are meant
for other people.
If you are confronted while trespassing and asked to leave private
property, it's best to assume an offensive posture. After all, you are
preserving history and the property owner is interfering with your
right to do as you please. If asked to leave, immediately scream, "Do
you have any idea who I am!?" If the other person still insists you
leave, you can thunder "Fine! You'll answer to history for this!!"
Chapter 5: Collecting Boat Memorabilia
Collecting memorabilia from the boats is an enjoyable pastime and an
important way to preserve history. A good way to begin your
collection is to hang around docks in Great Lakes ports. You'll find
lots of artifacts from the boats that are simply discarded. Visit a
boat during winter layup and you'll often see a trash bin on the
dock. Help yourself to any items in the bin - scrap wood, empty food
boxes, wastepaper. All of it will be historical someday. Sure, that
wastepaper may simply look like somebody's discarded doodling, but
its monetary value can only go up. Can you imagine how valuable a
collection of George Washington's discarded scratch paper would be
today!? What about a cardboard box tossed away by the person who
designed the Great Pyramids of Egypt!? That would be worth a fortune
today! By carefully combing through today's discards, you will build
a valuable collection for future generations to enjoy. Some people
like to specialize their collections. For instance, you could
specialize in food containers from various ships. Just approach your
favorite boats when they're docked or passing through the Soo Locks.
The crew won't mind; they'll be happy to throw these items to you.
Imagine the enjoyment you'll receive from collecting oatmeal boxes
from each boat in the U.S. and Canadian fleets. Be sure to carefully
label each box with the name of the ship it was aboard. As your
collection grows, you will want to proudly display your "finds." The
best place to do this is, of course, your living room. Remove
unnecessary paintings and family photographs and replace them with
shelves for your collection. That oatmeal box collection mentioned
earlier? Think how nice it would look lining the walls of your
living room. Your friends and neighbors will love to spend an
evening listening to you recount how you carefully recovered and
cataloged these artifacts from your favorite ships.
Reported by The Boatnerd